The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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