I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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