i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
