My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
