I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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