i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
