Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
