Jerry, you need to find god
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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