Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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