Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
