The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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