Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
