so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
