I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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