I can't watch pbs sober anymore
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
