Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Someone came in the potted fern
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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