im having a threesome with these popsicles
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
