Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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