you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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