I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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