If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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