I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
