I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
