Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
zippers are such a cool invention
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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