i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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