Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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