you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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