we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sext me about skeletons
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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