my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
