even my farts smell like vagina
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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