I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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