At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
