He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
