Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
