she told me i tasted like america
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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