I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
