Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
