I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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