The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
