phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
