party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
