My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
All I want is dick and wine.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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