Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
