i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
not ubering you a puppy
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
