I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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