Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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