im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
