this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
