It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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