You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Please don't give away my fajitas
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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