Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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