i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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