I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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