Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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