My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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